I am what I am. Nothing more or less.

Sometimes I feel like life is just one dashed hope after another. I know it's pessimistic (and I don't always feel this way), but finally giving into reality just seems like a party of growing up. As children we were undoubtedly encouraged by teachers, parents, friends and mentors alike to strive to be the best that we could be. Ostensibly, we could achieve anything if we just worked hard enough. I don't think there's anything wrong with this instruction; in fact I probably wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now without it. BUT, the longer you stay on this pedestal of ignorant bliss the harder the landing when you finally reach your limit.

I used to play violin. In fact, I don't even remember what life was like before violin really. It was my life for many, many years and even though it took a lot of work I truly enjoyed it. Now, I knew I never was going to become a concert violinist, but at one point in high school I really thought I might be able to at least pursue it as a second major and participate in civic orchestras throughout my life. But at one point (how I got there isn't really important), I just realized that I'd never be good enough. Sure I'd be good enough just to play here and there for fun, but by that point I'd been cursed with a good ear and I couldn't stand my own playing anymore. It was fine when I was younger, because I knew I'd improve. But by the time you reach your young adulthood you realize that you're not really improving anymore and that you actually have reached the limits of your potential. And that was the most devastating realization of my life.

Around the same time, while I was in college, I realized the same thing about my intellectual achievements. Like many of you, I was definitely a good student and went to a good college. I knew I'd never be the top of my undergrad class, but realizing I couldn't even get near top grades in normal classes was depressing. but it wasn't just because the curve was too hard or anything; at one point i realized it was actually because i had reached my intellectual limit. it's hard to describe, because, again, we're taught that if we just work hard enough we can learn anything. but this really isn't the case - there are just some concepts and nuances of any academic subject that i just can't grasp no matter how hard i tried. so, one by one, my goals and dreams for undergrad slowly disappeared. I graduated with honors in my major but I was badly shaken and broken (and I don't think I even realized to what extent this manifested itself until later).

I took a break in the working world and now i'm back in law school pursuing it because i actually want to be a lawyer. not a some partner and a huge firm, but just doing some law that i happen to enjoy. i'm no longer super ambitious, but i do want to feel like, for once in my life, that there were no intellectual limits and no broken dreams. but i think history would say otherwise. law school has been tough but it hasn't been overwhelming. it's a lot of work and some profs are scary, but i definitely think if i keep working like i do i'll be able to get a B or B+ without much more effort. whatever the grades are, i'll be really proud of them because i'll have earned them, but still they represent that i'm still not good enough and that, once again, i have to acknowledge my limitation and accept the consequences of dashed dreams.

i'm sure we all want to return to the idealism of our childhood from time to time, but i still get very emotional every time i listen to one of the last songs i worked on. it can still be an outlet for me, from time to time, but more for the memories it conjures and the potential i felt i had at the time. perhaps it's good to acknowledge your limitations and know your boundaries; but why does it have to be so painful?

langston hughes wrote about a dream deferred. what about a dream forbidden? not by choice, but by heaven's design.

Le Sigh times 1000000

Ok. So I think I'm in the proper position for a law student in their third week of school. Each day is a whole new exercise in emotional management: one minute I'm in love with school and the next I'm hyperventilating. Man, I need a yoga class or something.

I'm experimenting with my schedule to maximize efficiency. Right now I'm doing all the reading for all my classes through Wednesday (since those are my heavy days) during the weekend and then doing the reading for Thursday/Friday on Wednesday night. It really worked this week; it's Monday and I have absolutely no reading to do (which turns out also stresses me out cause I think I'm not busy enough -- yes, I'm insane, wtf). This leaves me some time to work on my legal writing class which, like every legal writing class, is way to much way too much work. I can't believe we're already starting on our memo. Ridiculous.

But, now that I think I've finally found a way to get all my reading done, I'm getting super nervous about exams. I know, I know: every single upperclassman/woman has told me I'm ridiculous and a nerd, etc., but I KNOW that all of them were the EXACT same way at the beginning of the first semester. So y'all know that just telling me to calm down won't do a damn bit of good. I feel like I'm supposed to also take time to synthesize all the material and start outlining. Only thing is I have no frickin idea how to do that. Sure I have copies of some outline and many of them seem to be well organized. But since I want to make my own outline I have no idea where to begin. Yes, I have broad headings in my casebook but somehow I feel like everything we've done so far is so disorganized. It's all jumbled in my head and I'm not sure how to apply it all to a fact pattern. Good thing is, so far I think I've actually understood everything we've discussed in class. I know it's the easy stuff now, but since my Civ Pro Prof literally wrote the book on the subject (and, apparently, is on some ranking of most cited profs in the universe) somehow I think it's slightly more complex than normal. But all the understanding in class doesn't make a bit of difference 'cause if I understand that means everyone else does too. Sigh. This gets me to my main problem. I came to law school to learn. I mean, I think no matter what I'll get a good education and graduate with a B average. That in and of itself, I know, is a good accomplishment. But, I absolutely hate that I never wanted to be on Law Review or clerk for a federal judge before I got to school and NOW that's all I can think about. Not because I know it will help me get a job, but b/c I think I really like the law. I'd love to go back to my not-so-glamorous-home-city and clerk for a federal judge there and really learn about the issues affecting my community. And let's face it, most federal judges where I'm from will be looking for that Law Review on my transcript.

Le Sigh.

And I just know that I won't make it. I don't think I'm stupid, but I'm very realistic. There are just too many smart people in law school. I'm still going to try hard and I'm still going to do my very best. It's just sad that I know the best I can hope for is maybe slightly above average. Hopefully that is good enough to get a good job back home. I just wish I had more guidance.

Well, back to the books. Best of luck to all the rest of you.

Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I'm feeling slightly more confident about the whole thing and --dare I say it-- a little excited again. I love that everyone seems so nice, I love my law school's location, I love the view from the library, and I love our new-ish clinic space. I love that I'm finally taking my first steps on a path that I've been worrying/dreaming about for a decade. As you all know, it's so difficult to keep your perspective in the midst of all this. I think it's partly because my partner hasn't moved to my New City yet (hopefully in two weeks). It's crazy that we've been together for five years now (3.5 of which we've lived together), and it's really a strange feeling to have been apart for a bit now. Oh well.

I really hope things go well tomorrow. I've briefed all the cases (and erred on the side of too many notes for now as I still have no idea what I should be doing now), but I've already forgotten all the details. This doesn't bode well for class, eh? Also, I'm still working out my study schedule. I think I like the idea of treating law school like a job (working 8am-7pm), but I don't think I'll be able to finish all my work that way, right? I very much want to leave my books/work at school (esp. given the weight), but I don't want to burn out so early in the semester. stressssssssssssssss. anyway, i need to go to bed. early to rise...