I am what I am. Nothing more or less.

Sometimes I feel like life is just one dashed hope after another. I know it's pessimistic (and I don't always feel this way), but finally giving into reality just seems like a party of growing up. As children we were undoubtedly encouraged by teachers, parents, friends and mentors alike to strive to be the best that we could be. Ostensibly, we could achieve anything if we just worked hard enough. I don't think there's anything wrong with this instruction; in fact I probably wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now without it. BUT, the longer you stay on this pedestal of ignorant bliss the harder the landing when you finally reach your limit.

I used to play violin. In fact, I don't even remember what life was like before violin really. It was my life for many, many years and even though it took a lot of work I truly enjoyed it. Now, I knew I never was going to become a concert violinist, but at one point in high school I really thought I might be able to at least pursue it as a second major and participate in civic orchestras throughout my life. But at one point (how I got there isn't really important), I just realized that I'd never be good enough. Sure I'd be good enough just to play here and there for fun, but by that point I'd been cursed with a good ear and I couldn't stand my own playing anymore. It was fine when I was younger, because I knew I'd improve. But by the time you reach your young adulthood you realize that you're not really improving anymore and that you actually have reached the limits of your potential. And that was the most devastating realization of my life.

Around the same time, while I was in college, I realized the same thing about my intellectual achievements. Like many of you, I was definitely a good student and went to a good college. I knew I'd never be the top of my undergrad class, but realizing I couldn't even get near top grades in normal classes was depressing. but it wasn't just because the curve was too hard or anything; at one point i realized it was actually because i had reached my intellectual limit. it's hard to describe, because, again, we're taught that if we just work hard enough we can learn anything. but this really isn't the case - there are just some concepts and nuances of any academic subject that i just can't grasp no matter how hard i tried. so, one by one, my goals and dreams for undergrad slowly disappeared. I graduated with honors in my major but I was badly shaken and broken (and I don't think I even realized to what extent this manifested itself until later).

I took a break in the working world and now i'm back in law school pursuing it because i actually want to be a lawyer. not a some partner and a huge firm, but just doing some law that i happen to enjoy. i'm no longer super ambitious, but i do want to feel like, for once in my life, that there were no intellectual limits and no broken dreams. but i think history would say otherwise. law school has been tough but it hasn't been overwhelming. it's a lot of work and some profs are scary, but i definitely think if i keep working like i do i'll be able to get a B or B+ without much more effort. whatever the grades are, i'll be really proud of them because i'll have earned them, but still they represent that i'm still not good enough and that, once again, i have to acknowledge my limitation and accept the consequences of dashed dreams.

i'm sure we all want to return to the idealism of our childhood from time to time, but i still get very emotional every time i listen to one of the last songs i worked on. it can still be an outlet for me, from time to time, but more for the memories it conjures and the potential i felt i had at the time. perhaps it's good to acknowledge your limitations and know your boundaries; but why does it have to be so painful?

langston hughes wrote about a dream deferred. what about a dream forbidden? not by choice, but by heaven's design.