halfway through!

So I have two down, two to go. I think the two exams were pretty fair. That doesn't mean I did well on them. On Civ Pro I think I knew what I was talking about and that's the class that I know the best. So I think the best I can hope for is a B+ (knowing my section). But yesterday I had Crim. CRIM. Oh Crim. After the test I was so happy, but only because I knew I never had to be in that class again or deal with my conceited Prof's ugly mug. I thought the actual law was interesting. The problem was he never taught it. I basically spent every waking hour from Thanksgiving until yesterday on crim. By the end I thought I at least had a good working knowledge of the little that we did discuss in class. Then the exam happened. I was the hardest exam I've ever taken in my life. I have no idea what I wrote. So now it's just a race to the bottom. I figure if I can do better than at least 10 people in my section I can get a B. At best. Because that exam was HORRIBLE. I'm going to try and not think about it because I've made peace with getting a 3.0 gpa, but I'm just worried I'll be one of the few Cs this semester. I guess this puts a lot of pressure on me for next semester to bring my gpa up to a 3.2/3.3, 'cause it seems like that's the gpa where you can actually get a few offers.

Oh well. I just hope the firms I work for during 1L summer even ask me back after getting my first year grades!! I sent out four letters and got three interviews...so I'm hoping for a job before January. le sigh.

BUT (and I need to say this so I can come back and read it when I get my grades back in January) I'm still VERY VERY glad I've gone to law school. I've learned so much and as long as I pass I'm getting closer to my goal of becoming a lawyer. I won't come out with accolades galore, but at least I'll finally have my J.D. and I'll be able to provide for my family. Most of all, I'm glad I matriculated at my school because although the curve is so tight (because of our small sections) the congeniality of my class really makes up for it.

Ok, now it's time for Ks. Good luck everyone!

Twas the night before finals...

So it's finally here. Exams start tomorrow. The most important exams of my life. ha. I'm almost kidding. I think I'm in a good place. I mean, I don't think i'm going to get any stellar grades but I think I have a good attitude. I didn't spend my last day frantically studying in the library. I've talked through a couple of the main themes of the class with friends, but mainly I just hit the gym and am going to cook dinner with the boyfriend before turning in early. I feel like I know as much as I could possibly know by this point so any studying today would only serve to confuse me. Half of my section swarmed my TA today and I just knew I couldn't bear to be a part of it -- I know it would just make me feel worse. So, I'm going into my first law school final at least feelings somewhat confident. It may be unjustified confidence, but I think that it'll let me focus on the exam.

But! After noon tomorrow I'll have 2.5 days to study for Crim (a.k.a. the bane of my existence). I know absolutely NOTHING about crim. The only things I know are the things I taught to myself using the E&E. Sadly my Prof is old-school socratic and I was absolutely terrified of him. Last year he gave several Cs (more than normal at this school, I guess). So i'm hoping that means I can at least pull off a B- in that class. Normally that grade would terrify me, but at this point it's just damage control. Sigh. but that's only after tomorrow. For now I need to focus on the present exam and just do my best. I've never studied so hard in my life, and I know that I'm not going to be the best in my section. But, I think I'll be good enough to at least get the median in some classes. And I've made peace with that.

Anyway, good luck to you all who are starting (or who have already started) final exams. Only two more weeks left for me!

P.S. Even Cs get JDs. yay!

Beginning of the End.

So I just turned in my final legal memo of the semester. I guess I should check that off my list of law school milestones. I don't think it has fully sunken in yet, but I will be shortly taking the most important final exams of my life. Yeah, not too much pressure.

So I'll be staying in New City for Thanksgiving. No relatives here and no where to go, but I'm not really that sad about it. I promised myself I'd take a least one full day off to rest and I think I'll stick to it. Here's the sick thing: I found out the library is closed on Thursday and Friday and I was actually at a loss. "But where will I go?" I thought to myself. WTF. WTF. WTF.

Law school is really getting to me. I hope I'll be an interesting person when I go home in a month. The countdown has begun...

Wow.

So I got my first legal writing memo back today. I was expecting the lowest grade possible (it's graded out of 5), but it turns out I did above the median!! By several points. That's incredible!! I have no idea what the highest score was, but I did much better than I thought. By a lot. I guess this shows how completely arbitrary the whole thing is especially since the comments on the paper were very bad. Watch: now I'll get a horrible grade on the next one. And it's due in oh, a couple of days. It's completely ridiculous. Oh AND a take-home midterm that we just found out about TODAY is due on Monday. I'm not going to get out at all this weekend. :( It's not even a weekend - it's just a normal work day but without classes. Boo.

That said, fall has definitely hit New City. Yay! I absolultely love fall. I don't remember it being this blustery in my last city though. I wonder if that's a New City thing. I hope not because the wind child is going to be ridiculous come winter. Speaking of which, there are only a 6 weeks or so left of class!! that's so scary!!! but that's also good in that the first semester is almost over. i can't wait! I was aiming for an A minus average; now I'm just hoping for straight Bs. Is that enough to get an OK job? I just hope it's all worth it in the end.

Can Law School Induce Bi-Polar disorder?

Cause I think I need some Lithium real fast. As is quite frequently the case, when things seem to be going well life takes a big, sweet turn for the worse. Thursdays and Fridays (well, until 2pm on Fridays) are my most UNCTUOUS days because I have Crim. Law with Professor Scary. I just don't understand anything in that class, no matter how hard I try. Everyone says I shouldn't worry, because our Prof talks about theory way more than we need to be responsible for on the exam, but I really think my mind just doesn't work near anything crim related. My other classes are 234233423 times easier than crim. I already know crim will be my worst grade and have announced it to the class. Some of my sectionmates laughed, but I could see in many of their eyes that they think the same. I guess it makes me less curmudgeonly and more endearing since I'm not a threat. In FACT I'm doing them a service by bringing down the curve. yay.

So I was flying high on Wednesday b/c I felt really productive in 3 class, but man - I don't think I've ever felt so low as I did after class today. Talking to the TA made me feel slightly better and I feel so lucky that he's so willing to help. However, it won't be helpful unless I know what questions to even ASK him but I'm still at the i-don't-know-what-i-don't-know stage. I hate that I'm using outside commercial aides for this class simply b/c I feel like I need to teach it to myself, but I don't know what else to do. I just don't even know how to approach it.

Can I also say that I HATE that all I talk about is law school? I used to be an interesting person, I swear.

On Citations.

So my legal writing Prof. assigned us an online citations exercise that had 45 problems we needed to figure out. Everyone in my section was complaining about how long and tedious it was, so I decided to hunker down and attempt at least the first couple problems today. I LOVED IT! Not sure if that's a normal reaction, but my classmates made me think it would be hell on earth. I can honestly say these exercises were the most enjoyable part of law school so far. I got to FINALLY familiarize myself with the citations manual and realized that citations aren't the worst thing in the world. I know I don't have a chance in hell in making one of the top journals next year, but if I did I think I'd at least partially enjoy the citations portion of the work. I can't believe I worked on this for 5 hours straight! yay!!

In other news: midterms are coming up. I'm actually excited about this because I'll actually see what my Profs are expecting (esp. good for Torts Prof since he's a visiting Prof this year). I'm just starting to outline Torts and Civ Pro (hoping Ks will happen this weekend). No midterm in Crim, though! That's the class I feel the most lost in (since the Prof LOVES theory), but 2Ls and 3Ls keep saying I should just study the black letter law. This makes sense to me. Just mark-up the MPC really well and contrast it with whatever made-up statutes he gives me on the exam.

Anyway, I'm still liking the idea of law school and I'm so happy that I'm actually learning. Now I just have to see if I can actually apply all of this info (and if I've actually picked up all the minute details). The sad thing is, I know that no matter how much I study there will always be people who know the material better. I guess I just have to learn not to worry about this and embrace whatever I get. I hate that these classes are curved against only my section-mates! I guess that's the curse of having a small section.

Ok, more legal writing stuff to do (open memo has officially begun and this is the stuff I really want to learn well).

Good luck, everyone!

Gulp.

I just turned in my first graded legal memo (our last memo wasn't graded and we just got back a lot of comments - mostly unhelpful). On one hand I'm overwhelmingly relieved b/c I don't have to fight with it anymore. On the other I hate knowing that it was so bad but there was just nothing more I could do. I'm so confused and I've spoken with the Prof and the TA about a billion times with no clarification. I know confusion is good because that's how I'll learn - by mistake - but this is incredible frustrating since it's 25% of my final grade. Apparently everyone starts with bad grades but gets better. BUT, if my "bad grad" is substantially worse than all the other "bad grades" I'll end up with a C b/c there is no curve in this stupid class. ARGH. The thing is I really want to do well in legal writing, not because of the grade, but because I know I'll need to use it a lot of I go into the area of law I'm thinking about. So I'm frustrated that a poor grade will keep me from pursuing some positions (interviewer: um this job requires really good writing skills - yours are shit, goodbye) and also that I seem to be running laps around the dung heap. I genuinely hope I get better at this, but I feel like the bar is raising with each assignment and I don't even have a good handle on the last "easy" assignment.

Now that I've been up all night, I have to go to three classes today and prepare for Crim tomorrow where I've done no reading b/c of the stupid memo. How am I going to make it through this day, let alone week?

Legal Writing.

My legal writing class makes me want to stab myself in the eye. I know it's an important class to have as most law firms make you do research during the summers. But learning how to write again is so frustrating. I guess it's true that a legal memo is all rule-driven, but some of the comments my prof gave back to me on my first assignment are ridiculous. She'll ask me to do things that I feel that I've clearly already done. I guess that's presumptuous of me. She'll just say that it's a common mistake for new learners of legal writing, but sometimes I think it's just about how much she likes you. Very high school -- like everything else in law school.

My new goal is to get a firm job for next summer before 1st semester grades come out. It's the only strategy I have of getting a good name on my resume. If I wait until 2L summer to work at a firm job my chances will probably be diminished by my soon-to-be very average gpa. My only hope is being hired early and thus the law firm will only have my undergraduate school and record to peruse. a;lskdjf;aslkdjf;aslkjdf;alskjdf;alskjdf

I am what I am. Nothing more or less.

Sometimes I feel like life is just one dashed hope after another. I know it's pessimistic (and I don't always feel this way), but finally giving into reality just seems like a party of growing up. As children we were undoubtedly encouraged by teachers, parents, friends and mentors alike to strive to be the best that we could be. Ostensibly, we could achieve anything if we just worked hard enough. I don't think there's anything wrong with this instruction; in fact I probably wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now without it. BUT, the longer you stay on this pedestal of ignorant bliss the harder the landing when you finally reach your limit.

I used to play violin. In fact, I don't even remember what life was like before violin really. It was my life for many, many years and even though it took a lot of work I truly enjoyed it. Now, I knew I never was going to become a concert violinist, but at one point in high school I really thought I might be able to at least pursue it as a second major and participate in civic orchestras throughout my life. But at one point (how I got there isn't really important), I just realized that I'd never be good enough. Sure I'd be good enough just to play here and there for fun, but by that point I'd been cursed with a good ear and I couldn't stand my own playing anymore. It was fine when I was younger, because I knew I'd improve. But by the time you reach your young adulthood you realize that you're not really improving anymore and that you actually have reached the limits of your potential. And that was the most devastating realization of my life.

Around the same time, while I was in college, I realized the same thing about my intellectual achievements. Like many of you, I was definitely a good student and went to a good college. I knew I'd never be the top of my undergrad class, but realizing I couldn't even get near top grades in normal classes was depressing. but it wasn't just because the curve was too hard or anything; at one point i realized it was actually because i had reached my intellectual limit. it's hard to describe, because, again, we're taught that if we just work hard enough we can learn anything. but this really isn't the case - there are just some concepts and nuances of any academic subject that i just can't grasp no matter how hard i tried. so, one by one, my goals and dreams for undergrad slowly disappeared. I graduated with honors in my major but I was badly shaken and broken (and I don't think I even realized to what extent this manifested itself until later).

I took a break in the working world and now i'm back in law school pursuing it because i actually want to be a lawyer. not a some partner and a huge firm, but just doing some law that i happen to enjoy. i'm no longer super ambitious, but i do want to feel like, for once in my life, that there were no intellectual limits and no broken dreams. but i think history would say otherwise. law school has been tough but it hasn't been overwhelming. it's a lot of work and some profs are scary, but i definitely think if i keep working like i do i'll be able to get a B or B+ without much more effort. whatever the grades are, i'll be really proud of them because i'll have earned them, but still they represent that i'm still not good enough and that, once again, i have to acknowledge my limitation and accept the consequences of dashed dreams.

i'm sure we all want to return to the idealism of our childhood from time to time, but i still get very emotional every time i listen to one of the last songs i worked on. it can still be an outlet for me, from time to time, but more for the memories it conjures and the potential i felt i had at the time. perhaps it's good to acknowledge your limitations and know your boundaries; but why does it have to be so painful?

langston hughes wrote about a dream deferred. what about a dream forbidden? not by choice, but by heaven's design.

Le Sigh times 1000000

Ok. So I think I'm in the proper position for a law student in their third week of school. Each day is a whole new exercise in emotional management: one minute I'm in love with school and the next I'm hyperventilating. Man, I need a yoga class or something.

I'm experimenting with my schedule to maximize efficiency. Right now I'm doing all the reading for all my classes through Wednesday (since those are my heavy days) during the weekend and then doing the reading for Thursday/Friday on Wednesday night. It really worked this week; it's Monday and I have absolutely no reading to do (which turns out also stresses me out cause I think I'm not busy enough -- yes, I'm insane, wtf). This leaves me some time to work on my legal writing class which, like every legal writing class, is way to much way too much work. I can't believe we're already starting on our memo. Ridiculous.

But, now that I think I've finally found a way to get all my reading done, I'm getting super nervous about exams. I know, I know: every single upperclassman/woman has told me I'm ridiculous and a nerd, etc., but I KNOW that all of them were the EXACT same way at the beginning of the first semester. So y'all know that just telling me to calm down won't do a damn bit of good. I feel like I'm supposed to also take time to synthesize all the material and start outlining. Only thing is I have no frickin idea how to do that. Sure I have copies of some outline and many of them seem to be well organized. But since I want to make my own outline I have no idea where to begin. Yes, I have broad headings in my casebook but somehow I feel like everything we've done so far is so disorganized. It's all jumbled in my head and I'm not sure how to apply it all to a fact pattern. Good thing is, so far I think I've actually understood everything we've discussed in class. I know it's the easy stuff now, but since my Civ Pro Prof literally wrote the book on the subject (and, apparently, is on some ranking of most cited profs in the universe) somehow I think it's slightly more complex than normal. But all the understanding in class doesn't make a bit of difference 'cause if I understand that means everyone else does too. Sigh. This gets me to my main problem. I came to law school to learn. I mean, I think no matter what I'll get a good education and graduate with a B average. That in and of itself, I know, is a good accomplishment. But, I absolutely hate that I never wanted to be on Law Review or clerk for a federal judge before I got to school and NOW that's all I can think about. Not because I know it will help me get a job, but b/c I think I really like the law. I'd love to go back to my not-so-glamorous-home-city and clerk for a federal judge there and really learn about the issues affecting my community. And let's face it, most federal judges where I'm from will be looking for that Law Review on my transcript.

Le Sigh.

And I just know that I won't make it. I don't think I'm stupid, but I'm very realistic. There are just too many smart people in law school. I'm still going to try hard and I'm still going to do my very best. It's just sad that I know the best I can hope for is maybe slightly above average. Hopefully that is good enough to get a good job back home. I just wish I had more guidance.

Well, back to the books. Best of luck to all the rest of you.

Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I'm feeling slightly more confident about the whole thing and --dare I say it-- a little excited again. I love that everyone seems so nice, I love my law school's location, I love the view from the library, and I love our new-ish clinic space. I love that I'm finally taking my first steps on a path that I've been worrying/dreaming about for a decade. As you all know, it's so difficult to keep your perspective in the midst of all this. I think it's partly because my partner hasn't moved to my New City yet (hopefully in two weeks). It's crazy that we've been together for five years now (3.5 of which we've lived together), and it's really a strange feeling to have been apart for a bit now. Oh well.

I really hope things go well tomorrow. I've briefed all the cases (and erred on the side of too many notes for now as I still have no idea what I should be doing now), but I've already forgotten all the details. This doesn't bode well for class, eh? Also, I'm still working out my study schedule. I think I like the idea of treating law school like a job (working 8am-7pm), but I don't think I'll be able to finish all my work that way, right? I very much want to leave my books/work at school (esp. given the weight), but I don't want to burn out so early in the semester. stressssssssssssssss. anyway, i need to go to bed. early to rise...

Wherein I go crazy.

Now, I've read all the blogs and books and have told myself that law school would be a whole new monster; that I'd have to approach it in a new way and that I needed to be patient with myself. This still applies now, but I've encountered a new problem that I've NEVER experienced before: I'm completely terrified of speaking in class. I mean, I know many people encounter this type of anxiety but I was literally SHAKING during class. I was really worried that the row of people behind me could actually see me shaking so I pulled my hoodie closer. So I keep telling myself that I'm paying the big bucks to learn a new style of thinking and that isn't not gonna come easy. Supposedly, the only way to learn this new style is to raise that hand and participate. I'm really trying to work on it, but I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be doing in class. It's difficult to articulate, as I know that you're supposed to brief the cases and be able to discuss them in class (which I do - I've worked very hard on learning how to brief), but other than being able to recite the details of the case, I'm completely baffled by how many comments my classmates have. I mean, I sit in class and I listen to them (and most are good points), but my mind is just blank. I keep wondering what I'm "supposed" to be thinking or what a good student would do.

I guess this is just a natural part of starting law school, but it seems like all my other classmates have absolutely no qualms about raising their hands. They need a manual for this! On the other hand, I'm not sure why I'm finding this so difficult. It's just read, brief, and answer the prof's questions in class, right?

Anywho, seems like I'm right where I'm supposed to be at this stage and I'm gonna take all the advice at face value and truly hope that "I"ll get the hang of it." The funny thing is, this current two week class is completely non-graded and exists purely to help prep us for the real deal in 1.5 weeks. If I understand the cases, why do I feel so disoriented?

Mission for tomorrow: actually raise my hand and say something. Even if it is just the procedural posture.

Sorry, that's the end of that rant! Hope all you other 1Ls are doing ok...

Holy Shit.

Tomorrow is my first law class ever. asdj;flaskdjf;lskjdf Granted it's only a pre-orientation class, but still, I'll be meeting about 30 of my future classmates and am responsible for doing actual homework. I can't believe it's finally here. I hope I can sleep tonight cause i'm freaking out.

Sorry, all, for the long break in posting. As the new school year looms closer, I'll surely be posting more often. I think I've squared away all the financial aid stuff, and I'm moving into my new apartment this weekend. A long drive across half the country awaits me on Friday, but I'm eagerly awaiting the open road and my U-haul.

Hmm...what else. Oh -- I'm not sure if others of you have this option at your law school, but mine offers an introduction to legal reasoning geared towards "diverse" students (whatever that means). I'm still mulling it over as I'm not sure if I should take it as an invitation to remedial reading and writing, or if it is a good opportunity to get into the law school frame of mind. I know most say that one shouldn't waste a summer on prep programs, but this is just a couple of days earlier than our normal orientation (and I thought it might be a good way to meet others in my incoming class). Have any of you participated in this?

Anyway - my life is in boxes and I'm eating on paper plates on my floor. A new beginning is nigh; and I'll admit it: I'm excited!!

Law School Fashion.

I know this is a ridiculous thing to post about and probably the last thing I'll be worrying about come September, but as I've read the social structure in law school is very similar to high school...let's just say it worries me. This is not to say I didn't have a great time in high school; it just means that we'll all be subject to snap judgments that may take years to undo.

So, yeah, I don't think I'll necessarily change my "style" (which I would describe as "a lack thereof"). Even if I do, I know I'll quickly revert to my standard-issue jeans/hoodie/danskos. Yes, I wrote "danskos." Does this automatically relegate me to law school pariah? If so, this doesn't bode well for me. I already envision myself as the class misanthrope (yeah, more of this later - i'm basically terrified of meeting new people; i know, i'm a real barrel of issues), so I need all the help I can get. Bah.

In other news, I'm off to the wilds of Vermont for the long weekend! I'll be running in a marathon relay -- so excited!

ooooh boy.

And lo: it was May. Where has the time gone?

I'm about to sign a lease on my new apartment in New City and I'll be moving in about a month. Before starting school in August, I'll embark on a mini tour of Asia (since it's probably my last chance to do so for a loooooong time). I'm so excited! Soon it will be new people, five hundred pounds of reading, and stress, so I'm going to try to eke out as much fun from this summer as possible. I'm hoping my posts will increase in frequency as orientation approaches.

Soon: Ikea, a search for the best coffee shops in my neighborhood, and (as nerdy as this sounds) the new-book smell of a fresh start.

New City: here I come!

Admitted Students Weekend

Leaving in a couple of hours for ASW. I'm not that nervous because this is my second time around (went last year, too); PLUS, the weather looks like it'll be nice this year!! That'll help the gruelling apartment search...

Anyway, wish me luck. I can't believe, at long last, this is actually happening. I feel like I'm getting on a rapid conveyor belt towards the future--and I'm really worried about motion sickness. Or whiplash.

And I promise, no biggestmistakeofmylifeohmygawdahhh@@#$%-talk this weekend. I'll save that for 1st semester exam-time.


Edit: In true New City fashion, the weather forecast has now changed to thunderstorms. All weekend. Is this a sign?

On Jealousy.

Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.

To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction of self.

**

I'm guessing most familiar with Langston Hughes would argue one shouldn't defer dreams (festering sores are not a happy vision of the future, in my humble opinion). Our society places so much emphasis on achieving discrete goals and passing certain milestones; but graduated success seems far too much like a carrot...and I guess I'm the ass.

On the other hand sometimes, depending on your perspective, it *could* be great. In the vein of "ignorance is bliss": what's wrong with placing all faith in an ordered system? It helps keep us our minds from being over-occupied, thus saving us all from its dangerous want to wonder (or at least some respite from it, I guess). In fact, one could argue that the current system is necessary, breaking down the universe into discrete divisions so we can more easily overcome them.

Anyway, back to the point. So to cure jealousy, one could acknowledge the implicit dissatisfaction of self (assuming such dissatisfaction is the true source), and then set upon a system of improvement? I guess modern psychology might attack the dissatisfaction itself -- "treat the source!" (Society's fault...or TV...or one's parents...who knows) Acknowledge, accept, and move on and away.

But what if the "dream" is merely an outgrowth of jealousy? Maybe your jealousy is good -- no, integral -- to your quest(s), pushing you to improve. Instead, acknowledge, accept and... embrace?

**

If beauty is achieved when we truly become the fitting receptacle and instrument of all our talents and beliefs and desires (even in a moment)...will the common man ever know what it means to be beautiful? Or will he recognize the lifelong pursuit of it may be beautiful, too?

Clearly, I think too much.

So now that winter is officially here...

Seems like I don't have anything of substance to bitch about at the moment (how un-curmudgeonly of me). I'm happy to report that my wonderful significant other created a banner for this runt-of-a-blog. Time to stretch out and settle in; it feels homey already.

In other news, I'm growing especially concerned with the winter weather in my soon to be new city ("New City"). I mean, I knew that New City's weather was considered to be, on average, much worse than my current city's weather. However, when I made the decision last year (I deferred), New City had experienced a much milder winter than normal, thus leading me to believe life in New City would be fine. Eh, such is my luck. Wait, what am I thinking! As many (erm, all 2 of you?) of you are no doubt thinking: "Silly R.C.! You'll never encounter the light of day during law school! Don't you worry about that weather; you'll be protected by the warm cocoon of cynicism and the dull hum of the wan fluorescent lights of New City School of Law!" I guess I have nothing to worry about. Cue the single tear dripping down my wizened face.

In all seriousness, though, I'm so thankful I've discovered law school blogs as most of them have assiduously limned the day-to-day of law student life. I think I may have even happened upon a few bloggers from my future school, which is wonderful. Hope you all are staying warm.

Now, back to obsessively examining the feckless websites of the "recommended" apartment buildings near New City School of Law. If apartmentratings.com is even remotely accurate, I already fear all possible management companies in New City...

First Post

Since I'll be going through quite a transition in the next few months, I thought I'd start off a new blog to chronicle the coming onslaught (in addition to hopefully serving as cheap therapy). I'll post a slightly more substantive intro soon, but for now I'm still working on the cosmetic aspects the blog. In the meantime, I've linked to a few of the blogs that have helped me wrestle with my decision to finally look the beast in the mouth (think girding of loins, etc.) and matriculate.

God help me.

Very truly yours,
RC